The entertainment industry draws an influx of the most beautiful people in the world. Trying to keep up with all these genetic freaks of humanity is practically a part-time job, which is okay when a list of fitness classes in the city of angels reads like a menu at Baskin Robbins. One can Downward Dog their way from a yoga class to a fitness-fusion class with a name that must have come from an Onion article making fun of us. Piloxing, Yogalates, and Cyclelates, done with a straight face. If you’re not hitting the Barre, you’re most likely hiking Runyon (and Instagramming it), or Fryman Canyon for a more low-key scene and a glimpse of George Clooney’s house.
People in LA are either gluten-free, dairy free, vegan, or just annoying (sometimes all at once!) Juice bars are as common as Starbucks in Los Angeles, and if you’re not drinking an eight dollar juice after Kickboxalates, you’re probably the type of person to recommend Hollywood & Highland as a must-see LA attraction. When asked what I wanted for lunch last week, I said “I could really go for a kale salad right now,” and I meant it. LA is full of healthy options, so if you’re not eating your greens, you’re definitely drinking them.
LA is all about balance, so nama-fucking-ste, you’ll be ditching the green drink every weekened. If you’re not aware of danger dogs, or as I like to call it, street meat, then you definitely have never been out in Hollywood. The bacon-wrapped hot dogs are cooked on stainless steel baking trays and are lined up outside every bar and club in town. The infectious smell of the meat lingers in the air and draws you in as you tell yourself you’ll burn it off in Underwater Cycloga the next day. If street meat isn’t your thing, then you’ve definitely hit up some late night Leo’s Tacos. If you’re paying more than $2 for a taco, then just know you’ve fallen into the trendy taco trap, and it’s time to get help.
When asking an LA transplant why they moved to LA, their response (when it’s not, “I’m here to follow my dreams of being the next Clark Gable!”) is usually something along the lines of “I love this weather!” It’s true, LA is #blessed for the year-round sunshine and all of us Californians bask in the vitamin D. Anything below 60 degrees and people in LA break out their parkas and UGG boots like it’s the end of the world. On the off-chance that it *gasp* RAINS, people in LA freak out. They’re confused by the cold, wet stuff falling from the sky and suddenly forget how to drive in the middle of some of the largest freeways in the country. 2016’s El Nino is sure to set everyone into a frenzy, so I’m making sure to buy as many canned goods and batteries as possible.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve seen SNL’s “The Californians”. While the inflection is exaggerated, the exchange of driving routes is on point. Every Angeleno has their own “secret” driving route to avoid sitting in gridlock. We have so many famous streets–Sunset Blvd, Hollywood Blvd, Venice, Ventura Blvd–that telling somebody to bypass them on the way downtown is the equivalent of flashing a smile at the bouncer and getting right into the club. There’s honestly nothing better than cruising through Mulholland for the scenery and irony of living in LA.
Paying for parking sucksm and you spend more time looking for parking than you do actually driving to your destination. If you do finally find a spot, you spend a good ten minutes deciphering the parking signs. You can park here Monday through Friday, except Tuesdays and Thursdays (and Wednesdays are street cleaning), but only between 8 AM and 10 AM, and then 7 PM through 6 AM, but if it’s a blood moon then you have to sacrifice a virgin on the hood of your car. Once you think you’re in the clear, you turn the corner and see another sign stating the neighborhood you parked in is permit only. By this point, you should be a pro at depicting parking signs to avoid a sixty dollar parking ticket. But you’re not.
I swear by Uber. Sure, you get the occasional story of a driver murdering an innocent young woman like myself, but is that such a high price to pay for the ability to bypass the black hole of service that is Yellow Cab? Uber has changed the game in LA. I no longer have to spend the night worrying about getting myself home safely to the exclusion of actually having fun. And because verbing nouns is the only thing Angelenos love more than bottomless mimosas on Sundays, “ubering” has become one of the most popular words in the city.
People in LA LOVE dressing up their dogs, dying their hair, and pushing them around in strollers. They get pink highlights and go gluten-free. Pet stores are starting to mimic their human counterparts with organic and natural food options. I’m not going to lie, I’ve bought a kale salad at a pet store. And it was pretty good.
I get asked, “Which weekend of Coachella are you going to?” months before the lineup is even released. The once underground festival (for, like, two years anyway) is now the place to see and be seen. The streets of LA are practically empty in April due to the flock of Angelenos heading to the desert, taking over a retirement community in such a fashion that half those old geezers probably get heart attacks the first time they see a bronzed model in nothing but pasties pushing a cart down the local Ralph’s. Half the revelers aren’t even there for the music–they’re there to be seen. And so, every year the lineups tend to get more mediocre while the crowds grow bigger. But what are you gonna do? You can’t miss Coachella.
Manipulative people have mastered the art of deception. They may appear respectable and sincere but often that’s just a facade, it's a way to draw you in and ensnare you in a relationship before they show their true colors.
Manipulative people are really not interested in you except as a vehicle to allow them to gain control so that you become an unwilling participant in their plans. They have several ways of doing this, as many of you will recognize. They will often take what you say and do and twist it around so that what you said and did becomes barely recognizable to you. They will attempt to confuse you, maybe even making you feel as if you’re crazy. They distort the truth, and may resort to lying if it serves their end.
Manipulative people can play the victim, making you seem to be the one who caused a problem which they began but won’t take responsibility for. They can be passive aggressive or nice one minute and standoffish the next, to keep you guessing and to prey on your fears and insecurities. They often make you defensive. They can also be extremely aggressive and vicious, resorting to personal attacks and criticism, dogged in their pursuit of getting what they want. They bully and threaten, and won’t let up or let go until they wear you down.
Following are nine traits of manipulative people, so you'll know what to watch for when one comes your way. Understanding these basic operating mechanisms can help prevent you from getting pulled into a manipulative relationship. Staying alert, staying in touch with what you know to be true about yourself, and anticipating what is to come will enable you to avoid a conflict and maintain your own integrity.
1. Manipulative people either lack insight into how they engage others and create certain scenarios, or they truly believe that their way of handling a situation is the only way because it means that their needs are being met, and that's all that matters. Ultimately, all situations and relationships are about them, and what others think, feel, and want really doesn’t matter:
“Controllers, abusers, and manipulative people don’t question themselves. They don’t ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else.” —Darlene Ouimet
2. Manipulative people do not understand the concept of boundaries. They are relentless in the pursuit of what they want and have little regard for who gets hurt along the way.
Crowding into your space—physically, emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually—is of no concern to them. They lack understanding about what personal space and identity mean, or just don't care. They can be likened to a parasite—in the natural world this is often an acceptable relationship. In human behavior, however, feeding off of someone at their expense is depleting, exhausting, weakening, and demeaning.
3. A manipulator avoids responsibilities for his own conduct by blaming others for causing it. It’s not that manipulative people don’t understand responsibility is. They do, a manipulative person just sees nothing wrong with refusing to take responsibility for their actions, even while making you take responsibility for yours. Ultimately they may try to get you to take responsibility for satisfying their needs, leaving no room for fulfilling yours.
4. Manipulative people prey on our sensibilities, emotional sensitivity, and especially conscientiousness. They know they have a good chance of hooking you into a relationship because you are a kind, feeling, caring person, and, of course, because you want to help. They may cater to your goodness and kindness at first, often praising you for the wonderful person you are. But over time, praise of these qualities will be minimized because you are being used in the service of someone who really doesn’t care about you. They really just care about what you can do for them.
5. If you want an easy way to discern manipulators from empathetic people, pay attention to the way they speak about others in relation to you. They will often talk about you behind your back the same way they talk to you about others. They are masters at “triangulation"—creating scenarios and dynamics that allow for intrigue, rivalry, and jealousy, and encourage and promote disharmony.
6. Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you. If someone doesn’t get you, don’t hang around waiting until they do. Don’t make it your mission to get them to understand and like you—they’re not interested in you as a person.
7. Characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words. Always remember that what a person says and does are two very separate things. Observe someone closely, without making excuses for them—usually what you see is what you get.
8. If the individual put as much effort into being a good person as they do into pretending to be one, they could actually be a good person.
This is an essential point: Our initial encounter and perception of someone strongly colors our developing relationship with them. If we understood from the beginning that a person is not who they seem to be, and is just hiding behind a facade of what appears to be socially acceptable behavior, then perhaps we would be more wary of getting involved with them.
9. Regularly examine what you believe. We don’t do this enough. As life progresses, our beliefs and attitudes may change, and we need to know how these changing ideas affect us. When we are not sure what we believe, it’s all too easy to allow someone else who is sure that their beliefs are right—not only for them but for you as well—to attempt to manipulate your thinking:
“When it comes to controlling human beings there is no better instrument than lies. Because, you see, humans live by beliefs. And beliefs can be manipulated. The power to manipulate beliefs is the only thing that counts.” — Michael EndeSHARE TWEET EMAIL
Knowing other people is strength.
Knowing yourself is power.
Please send to my e mail account- your points on Manipulative people need to rep myself in court case and this would be perfect to quote from- 30 years of manipulation & abuse-he won't let me go-I moved to another country & he control the money-he will not file for divorce keeps manipulating that too & cost in Canada for divorce is 5,000 Canadian $ no way can I do. I'm scared all the time I left & he has no one else to hurt just me all his friends think he is perfect guy & I am bitch for leaving him- he volunteered to gift me money now he just manipulates-more
So, why don't you file for divorce on your own?
I live in Canada, and I did it myself. I spent $200.00.
I went to the Courthouse, and asked a lot of questions, and they guided me through the steps I had to do.
I am now happily married for the last 3yr. The best thing I ever did.
A few things I've learned from dealing with somebody like this:
1) You know something is off as soon as you meet one of these people.
2) You ignore your instinct
3) You ignore your instinct because it's easier to feel responsible about your feelings than it is to make the other person responsible for their behavior. This makes you responsible for their behavior.
4) They exploit your need to be responsible for their behavior and words
5) Articles like this one are useless until after the fact. You know the person is manipulative, you just can't bring yourself to make them responsible.
I truly know a person like this she keeps her mask on tight replying the the glued ends with a torrential downpour of lies and deceit.I feel so bad for her new man I wish I could warn him but,he will have to find out on his own.how much of a basket case she is.she is a coward who hides behind the lies she created.which is the way she feels most empowered.when her stability breaks she will take as many down with her .she may think she is the victim in a failed relationship and will expect you to forgive and forget everything but. Will without hesitation spill your mistakws.she is worthless and a waste of time . She destroyed two of my relationship S
How was she manipulative? This sounds like a bad breakup rant. How did she destroy two of your own relationships?
This article is 100% accurate, everything I read was exactly the situation I was involved in. Its a sad world we live in when people act in this way. Calculating, scheming and manipulating - watch out and be cautious of those that don't work, stay at home people have the time on their sides to work their craft.
Strength comes from the quiet resolve not to give power over us to those who don't deserve it. We cannot be harmed by those who we keep at at appropriate distances, unless we don't see it coming.
Perfect post, love this advice!
All of this sounds all too familiar. Was married to a master manipulator for over 20 years who was extremely controlling and everything was my fault!
Sorry if this too fwd but how did you know? How did you get out of it if you did? Been with someone for half as long.
I'm in the same position.
After 20 years of being told who I am and should b.
How do you know how and when enough is enough?
Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to be used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused.
This article covers manipulators, and outlines how selfish and destructive they can be.
THIS IS A NECESSARY TRANSACTION THAT OCCURS THOUSANDS OF TIMES A DAY ON THIS PLANET.
It is very rare that a person's true colors are immediately apparent. So let's say you met someone, and the more time you spent with them, the more you sensed that they are manipulative and selfish. Would you continue to spend time with that person, and invest yourself into a relationship?
"OH NO, I certainly wouldn't!" That's what most people would say. But what is actually true? What really happens?
The manipulator manipulates those who are easily manipulated. Those who are easily manipulated are that way because of any of many possible reasons. Remember, a manipulator doesn't steal from you. They get what they want out of you by getting you to give it to them. Once this happens, you've been suckered. Some people are suckered for years on end. Some people wake up and smell the deceit, and then it's a complex battle of personality and will to quit that situation.
The truth: If you meet a manipulator, and you're weak in character, you're going to get manipulated.
Some people get quite comfortable with this arrangement. They get what they deserve.
Some people grow uncomfortable with this arrangement but don't ever figure a way out, or how to say no, or don't bother to try getting out of being manipulated. Those people get what they deserve.
Some people grow discontent with the situation and get fed up, and find the courage or the disgust or the alcohol necessary to say to their manipulator, "Enough is enough". And those people, after learning a harsh lesson, fight for their freedom. And those people get what they deserve.
Some people make it. Some don't. Being manipulated by someone else means not having AWARENESS of one's own situation, or not having SELF-RESPECT to stop this, or not exerting WILLPOWER to challenge it.
Many people will make excuses for themselves and for those who manipulate them, but it boils down to AWARENESS, SELF-RESPECT, and WILLPOWER. If you exercise these, manipulators will sense it within you and steer clear of your strength. If you don't, you get what you deserve.
No one deserves to be manipulated whether they see it coming or not.
How about I hit you right in the F#%king mouth then tell you that you deserved it.
Grow the F up pal and stop your blame the victim mentality. That is childish as hell.
No one deserves to be manipulated whether they see it coming or not.
How about I hit you right in the F#%king mouth then tell you that you deserved it.
Grow the F up pal and stop your blame the victim mentality. That is childish as hell.
The manipulator destroys the victim's self esteem, self confidence and self respect while manipulating. That's why it continues.
Throughout my life, I’ve been frequently surrounded by manipulators – quite often in the form of people from which I can’t escape (co-workers, relatives etc). Now that I’m older, I do a better job of handling them – usually through avoidance, because I’m awful at having to constantly set boundaries that they constantly ignore. I’m the type of person who genuinely cares for others and is happy to help when needed…but unfortunately manipulators latch on to people like this, and take advantage. They have no shame, no self-respect, no ethics of any sort. As long as something can benefit them, they’ll do it.
Currently I’m stuck with a manipulative coworker. She’s practically famous for playing the victim in any scenario and never takes responsibility for her own actions. She calls people “sweetheart” and “honey” in a sad attempt to make people think she cares about them, and quite often it works. People find her to be genuine and charismatic until they inevitably catch her in a lie. She’s even got the boss duped, but I think boss-lady is finally starting to catch on. If somebody doesn’t bend to her will, she refers to them as a “coward”, and consistently cuts others down for their demeanor or appearance not being up to HER standards.
It’s just so awful that people like this exist. They are toxic to the world. Hell, they’ve even made me weary of making new friends, because I’ve seen SO many people turn into manipulators. When you’re just a happy-go-lucky, nice person, it’s very difficult to not enable their awful behavior. I always try to see the best in people, but manipulators seem to be void of any redeeming qualities. As a result, I've put up many walls to deflect people like this from entering my life. Not really the way I want to live, but horrible selfish people seem to be everywhere these days.
Wow, this sounds exactly like where I've come to in my life. Have finally been able to realize how much you need your guard up at all times - after so many years of trusting people generally & especially a dangerous narcissistic family member who learned to excel at manipulation from a very early age & managed to become 'powerful' (or at least she thinks so). I'm fortunate enough to still be able to talk about it but wish same could be said for everyone. Some don't even want to see it unfortunately & that's the problem.
I so agree with you. only with me it is not a coworker it is the boss lady. I have gotten to the end of this game playing and causing me stress that I am now looking for a new job. good luck to you. I to stay with my wall up in every relationship intimate or otherwise.
I so agree with you. only with me it is not a coworker it is the boss lady. I have gotten to the end of this game playing and causing me stress that I am now looking for a new job. good luck to you. I to stay with my wall up in every relationship intimate or otherwise.
Jennifer, it's is lonely being the happy-by-nature persons we are and then nervous about making new friends. I'm damn near a hermit but choose that over get burned again and again. Some of you may say I'm choosing the wrong people. You may be right. Or, the world may be a shit hole and I'm drowning in it.
fight for their freedom.
That is me.
only the fights have taken long.
Some decades and just as vicious.
there was lacking self awareness.
self respect. and a somewhat inability
to understand how evil a human being can get. not to mention foolish and petty.
You sure have a handle on this strange
Sounds like you know all the rules of manipulation. Hmmmmm. Enough said.
Can you people do an article on how a toxic and venomous person like me can attack a weak person from far away? I'm too stupid to do any computer hacking, wiretapping, observing with hidden spy cameras, etc. Any help would be appreciated. I know the days are difficult, but I would probably be a lot happier if I can attack others from far away.
Hey, how fun is it not to call a filipino a flip, but to just use "flip" as a verb and make sure they see it or hear it or read it? It looks like fun and it looks like it makes the writer happy.
What if the person who's manipulative is someone you can't avoid like parents or in laws?
Expose the manipulation (end the game -> eric berne "games people play") or play stupid (passive agressive behaviour)
You could move away. My husband was unable to acknowlege issues (loyalty) so it was the best compromise, seeing as we couldn't cut contact. Big price to pay, starting all over in a place that's not home but we look fwd, not back.
Be careful, you marry a family too!
is it "healthy" this kind of person . cause i have met one in my office,,my friends does not aware yet,,about this kind of person.
Buddhi - Jakarta.
I know a master manipulator at work and when you first meet this person you think they are great and really caring guy. This soon changes though and for the people who still talk to him, he is a pro at drawing you into life. He says things that are open ended, where a response from another is necessary. He invades my personal space and my physical space. He has perfected the humble brag and if you don't respond how he wants, then a nasty personal attack will come very soon. The best ways I have found to prevent his behavior, when he talks with an open ended discussion, ex. "Tonight should be very interesting" he is referring to his girlfriend and her cooking and rolls his eyes as he says this over and over again. I will respond by saying "well that's good." This isn't what he wants, he wants me to ask why, I want him to stop the game playing and just talk like a normal person. He is extremely lazy at work but it doesn't bother him a bit that someone has to pick up his slack. He's passive-aggressive and is subtle in his nasty comments. So far my short responses and not feeding into his games is making him made but I don't care, I'm done being an arm chair therapist to him. Luckily people at work have seen through him and the narcissistic behaviors he elicits. In fact, people keep asking me why I hang around him. I'm slowly working my way away from him, this isn't easy as he follows me everywhere I go.
Looks like you understand what you have to do in response and you seem to be doing it. I know, easier said than done but in the long run having a strategy you can work with saves you from reacting in the moment. Very good!
Thanks for the article and the key point is, you writing how, "Manipulative people either lack insight into how they engage others and create certain scenarios, or they truly believe that their way of handling a situation is the only way because it means that their needs are being met, and that's all that matters." It seems that the less that a person who does this has including being loved by others, food, water, clothing, shelter, etc., the more manipulative they can be to get what they want and if your involved in their lies and manipulations directly or indirectly it hurts.
Thanks for this post. It's been a real eye opener. For the longest time, my mother-in-law would say the cruelest things to me in private, but when my husband would confront her she would act as if I simply misunderstood. I've decided to keep my distance from her at all cost, it's not worth the misery her presence causes. This has worked for 20 years of marriage but now I don't know what to do. my father-in-law recently died and I can no longer avoid her. I wish I knew what to do.
Hi Diana, I had a recent situation with an old lady who lost her husband, she was a neighbour of mine and turned to me for help. T give you an example of this help: one day, when I was driving home from work she called me from a home which her dying husband was staying in. She asked me to pick her up and take her home, which was only a short distance. Very reasonable request considering the home was a skip and hop away and on my way home. I went there to pick her up and literally from 5:30 till 8:15 roughly I waited fro her to leave. At 7:30 I did say to her, 'It is 7:30 . ' And reminded her that I had to get up at 5.00 a.m. I said this kindly, of course. She said to me, 'Oh, I'll get the bus then!' I said, 'Oh no, it's fine!' Now, that is manipulation, but very difficult because of the situation. Then I took her home at roughly 8:15pm and she said, 'Now I have to go to Tesco.' Of course I said I would take her. I got home at 9:00 pm which is my bed time. A couple of weeks later her husband died and to cut a long story short I got caught up in all sorts of things even requests for me to take time off work etc, etc. I was roped into taking her shopping for hours and I really started to resent it. Anyway, we eventually talked about it and as she said, 'It is very important to talk abut things if your not comfortable as it just wont work otherwise.' We had two wonderfully open conversations and I felt i could help her without giving up loads of my time. However, give and inch she'd take a mile, so I cut ties. Very painful with loads of guilt, but these articles on manipulative people have really helped me and my heart goes out to you. BUT, you have to say NO for your own survival and out of compassion, you have to say NO because when you buy into their manipulative ways it holds them back sorting out their heads. It is called the BIG NO! NO
As a woman who lives with an abusive manipulator, I frequently search online for ways to cope or a deeper understanding of why my husband is the way he is and I must say you hit the nail on the head!
It's like you personally know my husband and wrote this describing HIM!
Perfectly worded! Often I find myself unable to translate the bs I've exsperienced. Thank you for this article and God Bless all that are currently living with someone like this!
Hi. I'm sorry for your situation. Not sure why you're staying. but I do believe we stay with and abide by what we can handle. If you couldn't, you would be gone by now.
I am with, what I call: A Happy Manipulator. He is really a pleasant man nearly all the time. His problem is Manipulation, lack of empathy, passive aggressiveness and interestingly enough, ADD.
He doesn't so much as change a light bulb in our house (literally) and he pretty much gets to do everything on his free time that is SELF-related. When I get tired of doing everything while he satisfies his love of WHATEVER, he always calmly reminds me that, "I should ask for help more" or "I'm freakishly always cleaning something and making things perfect." He insists that THIS is the reason he could never be good enough. Once he focused in on one of my GF saying., "Your house is always perfect!" He had uncovered his OUT. THIS is passive/aggressive.
We are both 50 and going through the changes that inevitably come with age. Sex is off his radar. After having confronted him several times very gently and always with an understanding nature, I realized he has no intention of doing anything about it. Why? Because his needs are met. His body no longer desires sexual contact so why would HE do anything about it? This is behavior lacking in empathy.
He's a cyclist. A pretty avid cyclist and in that world, equipment is everything. Shortly after we started living together, he asked for a loan for a new bike. When I became uncomfortable with his asking, badgering and childishness, he would back off. Then his internet investigation would begin again, the "deals would soon to be over", saving him in the thousands! He couldn't understand why I " just won't lend him the money?" His need for that bike overwhelmed logic. This is manipulation.
When we talk. Deeply talk, about issues that could potentially break us up, the frustration I have is sometimes staggering. Ex: I am trying to convey my feelings about something. I'm keeping it short, getting straight to the point, and all at once, he gets up and walks into the bathroom to check his contact. No heads up. No, "Give me a moment babe," Just a departure. My words are lost and I see defeat. This is a lack of attentiveness. ADD that is compounded by all the other personality issues listed above. Sometimes I'm left astounded by his lack of intuition, introspection, and empathy.
Through reading and much thought, I've come to the end of the line. Sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. Some things can't be fixed.
I wish you well.
Like some comenters here have said some people are in manipulation by choice. Any suffering you go through is exactly what you deserve. . and someone gave him flaks for saying that. You are both good examples. Keep enjoying your manipulations.
This is a great article with very good insight into what a manipulative person looks like! I am in day three of having broke it off with my manipulative lover. I wasn't aware of what it was, i thought he was such a respectable, kind and compassionate person. However, I would catch him talking about people sometimes unkindly and two facedly and it would bother me. It was like he was trying to defame other people. After reading this I realized he was an absolute master at triangulation.
The worst though is I knew something was wrong because at about a year into the relationship, I began being jealous. I didn't understand why but I knew that wasn't me - I've never been the jealous type. Then, I figured out what it was- he would let me know every time another women wanted him. He would tell me they were texting him and asking him to come home with them etc.. After I got over those kind of women he upped the game. He then insisted I be okay with him bringing is "ex" FWB along on the nights we saw each other -I was a crazy jealous person for not being okay with that. The final straw that woke me up to the BS was after we had discussions or arguments several weekends in a row about my jealousy. I owned it completely and told him I would work on it. The very next weekend he upped the ante and brought a drunk girl (along with his ex FWB) to the bar he knew I would be at and let her hang all over him and then expected me to just ignore it. I couldn't believe he did that considering how raw I had been about the jealousy and how it was hurting me so much that I was hurting him (by making him feel bad that I was jealous, I even cried over the fact that I was jealous and making him feel uncomfortable-yeah he was that good). I asked him, "Am I supposed to accept that?" and he wouldn't ever answer the question and tried to make it out like i was the bad person for saying he hurt me on purpose by bringing her. How would he not know it would hurt me? See, I still doubt a bit.. But, I just decided it wasn't worth it.. He wasn't that great person i thought he was and he actually is a bit evil. His exwife tried to kill herself and his ex girlfriend went pyscho as well and now, I know why. If you are in a relationship with a person like this, leave. That is all you can do is just leave.. They are terrible people and you will die from them sucking the life out of you or taking your own life to get out of the shit storm they put you in. Just leave and go through the pain. Oh, and he is a fireman - i know they come in all walks of life but it is especially scary that someone that is supposed to protect and serve are perpetrators.
Thanks for your writing. I am trying to get over a 4 year relationship (?) with a manipulator. Loved this man deeply and thought we had a future. Then the other woman comes out after all his lies , and of course she is bitter at me because he has told her that I am crazy/psycho. The more I read the plainer it gets. Now I am feeling like I am a complete idiot for letting this happen. I guess I can't make him feel as bad as I'm feeling because there is no soul to deal with. I just want my tears to dry up soon.
then insisted I be okay with him bringing is "ex" FWB along on the nights we saw each other -I was a crazy jealous person for not being okay with that. .
like a great commenter here has said lacking in enough self respect and this bs is pushed up your ass. excuse my rusty french.
I just got the feeling, that most people in the world are manipulators, because they are sick in the head. Normal, healthy person would never do that. People have low self-esteem, because they are dumb and retarded from nature. That´s all there is to it. You think it´s normal to be dumb sheep like most people are ? That´s really sick mentality without using your own brain and just following the crowd. That´s why people manipulate, because they are hopeless idiotic dicks. Primitivity rulles the world and human race has never fully evolved. 90% of population is just toxic garbage. Here you have it, the most harsh truth you can get.
Sadly, I feel that this comment is completely accurate. People act as though they aren’t in control of their own actions, and like they're afraid to think for themselves. Many behave like people owe them something – and if they aren’t magically granted what’s owed, they manipulate until they get it. I’ve been around people like this for so long (and keep meeting new ones), that I’m constantly googling things like “what’s mentally wrong with a person who…” because I don’t know how somebody without severe mental issues could act in these horrible ways. I try not to dislike people in general, but upon getting to know them better, they almost always display such hideous character!
Jenifer we are riding the same wave. I am questioning why a child seem to understand free things do not exist in nature but my life is full of these many many "adults" who think in form of free provisions. donations. being kept. and having no ability to say thank you for favours extended to them. Its like children take a wrong turn somewhere and grow into imberciles instead of adults.
I don’t agree 90% of people are toxic, that’s too many people but I do think childish games last too long with some people. I don’t think all manipulative people have this mythical “low self esteem” some aren’t special in any way but think they deserve everyone’s attention. I do agree slimy people are a little dim emotionaly, they can’t get what they want while following the rules and they can’t work things out for themselves.
Many people with low self esteem are often too nice for their own good and have reasons for low self worth. This can come from the drip effect from parents telling impressionable kids they’re rubbish or a nasty partner. Only a few people with low self worth would take it out on others, they’re more likely to be a pleasant doormat. It’s more common a lazy person with high self esteem thinks they deserve more than they have and will tell You endlessly, British pubs are full of these semi alcoholic whiners who “could have played for Liverpool” you look at them and think “seriously?” Because they come over as fat, unfit and lazy.
I think most people are OK but have they’re quirks.
I know a person just like that, my daughter's ex.He pushed her over the edge and I' will leave it at that.Unfortunately she has to continue contact with him because they have a child together, he has physical custody and calls the shots, which he just loves.He is constantly playing head games with her, recalling past, past events and lying about them, and to others he is the victim.He plays it well.He has his 6 year old lying, keeping things from her mother because he says so, you can tell it's starting to have an effect on her.But if you say anything to him, he is the perfect parent, he does no wrong.He is so arrogant and manipulative it's sickening.My daughter has no choice but to deal with him and I believe he is going to make her life as miserable as he can for the rest of her life because she left him.Although he has another girlfriend, I hear he treats her just as bad.What can she do?Nothing phases him, nothing.He has no empathy, no compassion, no acceptance of responsibility for anything he's done.He's always right, she's always wrong.Her family sucks, his is the best.I've never met a person like him in my life.
Underneath the facade, these people feel worthless. But they lack insight about how to live a better life.
I find this article remarkable as personally I have found (with acceptance that I may be partly to blame for choice of women) that most women do this as a natural part of life. More importantly I have heard many women laughing at how they have or are manipulating their man.
The article is right, it is abusive, why in our society is this considered acceptable?
(My apologies to the women that don't manipulate men.)
This article is very true and insightful. I have , and still am, experiencing EXTREME manipulation in my work life. Iam a professional businesswoman , so getting to the top and being the favorite is honestly a brutal war-game of manipulation. It is especially difficult when your boss plays into the game by encouraging your coworkers to literally hurt each other. I have dealt with my boss and coworkers stalking and following me and my family members to get information, My boss sends out emails about false events or opportunities to lure us into traps to find out our interests to further manipulate us, she spreads lies and rumors to defame us so we do not have any other place of employment. the list goes on. Its literally ridiculous and STUPID. My boss is the type of person who uses manipulation to feel powerful. She is very insecure and jealous of us. She hates it when we outshine her. Lets put it this way, being smart or doing a good job= punishment.
Thats just a bit of it. I deal with this type of manipulation by playing the fool/ pretending i do not know they're manipulating me -to know what they're next move is going to be or what theyre up to- im also good at reading people. Plus i only tell half the truth and remember everything I say to see which fool is the snitch. It honestly revealed alot about a deceiful "friend" who was in fact helping my boss along with other coworkers manipulate me. She was also spreading false rumors within our work community (hindering my chances of getting a job). Come to find out she was a double agent- working for another company ( mind you these two companies hate each other). My "friend" would do every thing to try and get under my skin and make me jealous. By boasting about how of an in demand businesswoman she was and how our boss loved her (my boss clearly did not like me) etc. That never got to me though. I was kinda just like that's great. but. why are you telling me this lol ? Im just not the type to be jealous of my friends, im more encouraging and open to helping ( a manipulators dream come true lol). Anyways Im a good reader of people so i can sense when things are off. With this friend, i noticed she mimics people alot in demeanor and speech. She began to speak like our boss and say words that our boss never said in front of her and i in the same room (my director is a predictable person). At that moment I knew something was off. I continued to play dumb as I was getting more info from her and about her.. how she lies, her ticks and when her or another worker was going to manipulate me. It helped me to be a step ahead of them. As i did this they became agitated with me and would get upset when i wouldnt give them what they wanted or respond to their tricks.. They even tried to report me for bad behavior to our company manager (who is also our boss' husband- sigh). Even though my tactics were helping me i was honestly tired of playing this game with them. So i literally set up bigger boundaries and distanced my self from the manipulators and this "friend." I stopped playing the fool. I noticed them become so concerned and ask if i was ok blah blah blah and all the fake heartfelt shit manipulators do. I took my power back and they began to feel it. I know they have more tricks up their sleeve to hurt me and get me to comply (theyre starting to send me false work schedules so i show up at an empty office) SO CHILDISH. I honestly dont care anymore.. Im planning on revealing that i know soon. (Hopefully theyll stop altogether)- doubt it. People are truly psychologically sick. and it is honestly sad
I have a nutty woman customer like this. Everyone in her business premises is at war. She fuels the wars from morning to closing. I know I am often thrown in to the wild animals in my absence. Lucky I do not work for her and when she has no money to pay for my service. I do not tell her openly. But I just say it softly to myself. go fcuk yourself.
Yep, I used those cutters and cut my brother out of my life. I had always loved him unconditionally and helped him any way I could. While I read the article aloud to my hubby, we were like. oh wow!
He has accused me of so many horrible things that simply didn’t happen, he twists things in his mind so much that I think he believes them! He also plays with our mothers mind and guilts her into her buying things, loaning money, etc. Since Mom made me her POA, Health Care Rep and all he has gotten worse. Playing victim, saying he’s not going to get anything when she dies. I help my elderly mom, I bathe her, take her to all doctor appointments, shopping and everything else. He has not done ONE single thing. I invited him to meet Mom and I at the funeral home to make her final arrangements, he started acting out about the POA right there in front of them. I told him it wasn’t the place or time, but he wanted them to feel sorry for him, playing the victim again! Right in the parking lot he got in my face, I told him never to call, text or come to my home ever again. that I was done with it. I’m not playing his game any longer. The next day I put a no trespass order on him.
I might also add that him and his wife are so bad, their daughter wants nothing to do with them. They treated her so bad and threw her out of the home when she needed them most. She has cut them out of her life. They want back in but under certain conditions to suit them.
I do love him, but he is toxic to my well being.
It can seem like oh-so-much fun and so very sophisticated when you escape the confines of high school and parents and otherwise well-meaning authorities who always told you drugs were bad.
Everyone’s doing it. Can’t be all that bad. Right?
Well… there’s always consequences. And some of those consequences can be completely unexpected. So if you’re a recreational drug taker, or on your way to becoming one… here’s a few things to consider.
It’s difficult to imagine now, but at some point in the distant future, maybe even 20 years from now, your kids are going to be hitting their teenage years. And with that will come curiosity, questions and experimentation.
If you’ve been a recreational drug user at some point in your life, you’re going to face a big choice. Lie about your use to your kids. Or be honest and risk that your honesty and experience means they perceive it as okay to take drugs and potentially do themselves some serious harm.
After all, if you partied hard and took a whole load of drugs and came out a-okay, why shouldn’t they?
Problem is, not everyone does come out okay. Back in my drug-taking days, there was a three month period when two friends died from drug-related incidents. One friend got drunk, passed out on the couch and chocked to death on vomit. Another was boating at midnight doing lines of Special K and fell into the water. He didn’t make it back to shore.
Your kids won’t relate to those stories. They’ll relate to you coming through mostly okay. That’s what they’re more likely to base their choices on.
In the midst of partying and having a good time it’s real easy to believe that you’re just having fun. That you’re living life to the fullest, making the most of your youth, going with the flow, expanding your consciousness, becoming one with nature man.
However, any time we’re using a substance to change our reality, we’re subtly avoiding or denying the reality we’re currently living in and there’s a reason for that. What that reason is will be different for every single one of us, but trust me. There’s an underlying issue or 10 that’s driving your drug use. Eventually, you’re going to have to face those issues.
The longer you leave it, the more you run and hide, the more you avoid and deny, the more difficult it will be when you finally face up to the music. Spend 10 years running, and you might spend 10 years clearing the crap.
I’ve been completely up-front and honest about my drug-taking past, but I’m also not going for jobs that make it matter.
Some jobs—like anything do to with the military, FBI, CIA, police, fire—are tough to crack if you’ve got a past history of drug use. Sure, you might be 19 and have no intention of doing anything like the FBI, but you have no idea how your life might unfold and where you might be when you’re 29. Suddenly you might be applying for your dream job and discover that your year of hard partying post-high school rules you out forever.
That’s a hard one to swallow.
And because you no longer fit inside the ‘normal parameters’ for life insurance, that means you have to pay more. You may be paying more for life.
In my case, my past drug use and history of psychosis (drug-induced) meant my life insurance cost was 30 percent higher than the normal. That’s a huge extra premium for be paying for the next 50 years or so, all because I had a damn good time in my 20s.
Oh, you could lie, sure. Deny any drug use. But with the way information speeds around the ‘net now, guaranteed if you needed to claim on that life insurance, they’ll be looking for any reason to deny it.
It’s been a long time now since I had a stonking great time while high. But I still remember. I still remember what it was like to have those first few Es. I remember those full moon parties on mushrooms. And I remember lazy days spend by the pool smoking weed. Fortunately, I also remember the come-downs. I remember feeling like I just wanted this to stop now. I remember the cost.
Now yoga, meditation and life gets me high—and keeps me high. That’s enough to keep me off the drugs. But if you don’t have a life filled with natural highs, you’ll struggle when the going gets tough. There will be a part of you that remembers the easy high and wishes… maybe, just maybe…
Cue yoga and meditation practice. I loved taking mushrooms outside in nature and dissolving into a total state of oneness, allowing my mind to expand and expand and expand until I didn’t know where I ended and the world began. Everything looked shiny and new and sparkly and so very alive.
Now I can’t just eat a handful of funghi to get there. Instead, I’m dedicated to my yoga practice, spending time each day disciplining my mind so it can open and expand and I can again feel that sense of oneness with the world.
The beauty of this grounded, systematic way of moving toward Oneness is that it’s not dependent on anything outside of me. It’s something that comes when I connect to the deepest part of me and relax and open. It’s something within me. That can never be taken away from me, no matter what.
But it takes commitment, dedication and discipline.
I see this in friends who still party and drink the way I used to in my twenties. They’ve aged, particularly around the eyes. Wrinkles, wrinkles and more wrinkles. Aging drug fiends like Courtney Love may be able to cover it all up with surgery, cosmetics and soft lighting, but the rest of us mere mortals will have to live with the ravages of drug use on our faces and in our bodies.
Just look at photos of Lindsay Lohan a few years ago and compare them to now. Her drug and alcohol abuse shows. And over time, it will show even more.
When you’re young, the flush of youth keeps you looking amazing no matter how you live. But over time, how you live determines how you look. Your life shows up on your face.
That minor recreational drug use may result in a minor drug conviction. No big deal right? Until you want to travel. Then it suddenly becomes a very big deal.
I’ve got friends with minor convictions for marijuana use who can’t travel to the U.S.. No worries, they say, I never want to go there anyway. But what they didn’t realise was that to get from New Zealand to say Canada, they have to fly through the U.S., landing in either Los Angeles or Hawaii. That minor drug conviction means they can’t. They have to find an alternate travel route, which can sometimes cost a whole lot more money.
Oh wait, Canada can also deny entry based on a drug conviction. Doh. Where to now? China? You have to register with the Police after you arrive if you have any kind of conviction. That sounds like fun.
Bear in mind too that rules for entering countries change all the the time, and generally they get tougher. You may be able to move around alright now with a drug conviction, provided you don’t want to go to or through the U.S., but that could change at any moment.
Okay, this is obvious. And is likely something you’ve been warned about. Take drugs and it ruins your health.
Hard to imagine, or quantify though, especially when results may not show up for years. Sometimes though, there are immediate and terrible results.
I made the dangerous mistake of mixing consciousness-expanding drugs like marijuana, mushrooms and acid with meditation and yoga. Cue psyche-explosion and two episodes of psychosis. That messed up my mental health for a long time. Fortunately, I was able to systematically work through those issues of the psyche and put myself back together with the help of drug-free yoga and meditation. Other people haven’t been so fortunate. Just check out your local residential mental health facility.
Now, those may be nine solid reasons to not take drugs, but I’m not going to tell you that. This is not about telling you what to do. No, what I want to do is make you fully aware of consequences so you can do your own self-inquiry and come to your own decisions.
The next time you’re tempted to smoke weed, pop a pill, drop acid, snort blow… pause. Just for a moment. Take a breath or two. Feel yourself in your body. And ask yourself.
Do I really want to do this?
Do I really want to deal with the consequences that arise from this?
Is this the best choice I can make for myself right now?
And if it is—go for it. Go for it with full conscious awareness instead of being driven by your unconscious desires and needs. And challenge yourself to stay conscious of your experience all the way through, from the initial flush of highness to the darkness of the come-down. Stay with it, stay conscious, feel it all, deeply.
Be fully present to your experience. Be fully present to the consequences.
Now that’s a serious yoga practice.
Bonus: The Pros and Cons of Smoking Dope: