IN THE MORNING, cooks are scrambling to set up the line in time for opening. Still shaking off the cobwebs from the evening before, we’re at our grumpiest when service begins. So while you may think the most important meal of the day is just an indication of what you’re craving, cooks everywhere are here to tell you otherwise:
Granola served over non-fat Greek yogurt – This is your first stop post-morning yoga. You’re the first person here and we’re just glad you didn’t order something from the hot line.
Oatmeal – You weren’t ready when the waiter finally got to you.
A greasy egg sandwich & Bloody Mary – You’re hungover. Or you’re still drunk and anticipating a hangover. Either way, good choice.
A side of gluten-free toast – The Paleo diet is trending on Pinterest, so obviously you’re doing it. You are going to get relatively upset when you find out we don’t serve gluten-free toast.
A single chocolate chip pancake – You’re either a small child or a freshman in college.
The basic breakfast – You’re boring. Eat at home next time.
Fried chicken & waffles – You probably ordered this with a Southern accent.
An egg white omelet – You remain up-to-date on all health fads. I’m tempted to tell you the yolks are the healthiest part of the egg, just to see to your reaction.
The $10 breakfast buffet – You’re a starving college student and will make at least three trips. You’re getting your money’s worth.
Eggs over-hard – You’re high maintenance and passive aggressive. So if the eggs are cooked soft, you’ll refuse to eat AND refuse to send back the dish.
Corned beef hash – You have no standards when it comes to food. You live by the five-second-rule.
Triple-chocolate muffin – You think that just because it’s served on the breakfast menu, it ceases to be dessert. You’ll probably also order a hot chocolate.
The vegetarian omelet, add bacon – You’re grudgingly trying to choose something healthy. You’ll probably add extra cheese and a side of hash browns, too. At some point, you might as well stop kidding yourself and ditch the veggies all together.
The breakfast burrito – You wish it was lunch and that you’d gone to Chipotle instead.
The fruit salad – You’re going to be disappointed when you see the melon:berry ratio. But that’s what you get for ordering fruit salad.
Anything with pork belly – We get that you’re a hipster, but stop asking for cold brew. We don’t serve it.
Just coffee – You’re just using us as a means to escape the cold. You’re probably going to sit there for the next two hours gossiping with your friends. Enjoy the free refills, asshole.
A bagel with cream cheese – You’re going to be late to class, but there was no food in your apartment.
Eggs Benedict – You’re a parent having breakfast without the kids. And that makes both of us happy.
Huevos rancheros – You’re personality is spicy, just like your taste buds. You’ll hoard our hot sauce bottle for the rest of the morning.
Brie and apple omelet – You’re fancy and pretentious enough to make sure this is prepared with extra virgin olive oil, not butter.
Tofu and vegetable scramble – Hippy and friend to all, you are polite and soft-spoken…as long as the vegetables are locally sourced and organically grown.
Grits – You, wise one, know something that everyone else is ignorant to. Despite their presentation, grits are actually a tasty dish and you will leave satisfied.
Scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, and oatmeal – You don’t have to tell us that you’re a weight lifter on the way home from the gym. Your muscle shirt, meal, and the sweat stain that you leave on the seat says it all.
Anything where you indicate a nut allergy – We know it’s not your fault, but if you knew the process behind preparing an allergy ticket, you wouldn’t have come during the rush.
Make-your-own omelet – You’re a control freak. If you want to dictate exactly what goes into your breakfast, eat at home. There’s a menu for a reason.
The breakfast burger – You’re in the industry. We’re going to send you a side of hash browns and add extra bacon to your burger.
Just hash browns – Everyone knows that hash browns are the best part of breakfast. You get right to the point, and we want to give you a pat on the back and a round of applause.